Depressed mOM WITH DEPRESSION day in the life

A Day in the Life of a Mom with Depression

6:00 Eyes pop open and brain sizzles. Realize that the two-year-old is still asleep and you don’t have a headache, for the first time in two or three weeks. Try to go back to sleep but your brain is on now and you can’t. Try to get out of bed. Lay there. Your neck and shoulders hurt so much you can barely move your head.

7:00 Get up and find coffee. You are so achey you hobble down the stairs like an 85 year old. You know you’re not sick and that it isn’t from too much exercise. The boys are ready to get on the bus and just want their snuggles and love. You just want to be left alone, but you do give the hugs and kisses. Realize that you have some time completely alone and you take advantage of it and read your Bible. Sneak in a little creative verse drawing.

8:00 Decide to work out for the first time in several days. Can’t get the TV to turn on. Try to watch videos to entertain you on your phone. But it’s just not working and you keep getting distracted and get off the trampoline several times to clean this or pick that up and put that away. Grab another cup of coffee. The little girls are up now. Kevin comes in the house briefly and fixes the TV by unplugging it and plugging it back in. Your foggy brain couldn’t come up with that solution. You hug and kiss him in thanks but he’s in a rush and you feel brushed off.

9:00 You feel like you’re moving through a field of molasses in a swamp. Sometimes it feels like you are a swamp walker all the time.  Everything takes such a colossal effort.  The big girls are up and the boys are back home. You homeschool, and you keep thinking that you’ll do school  with the kids but you also want to see if you can get some more walking in and watch motivational videos which improve your mood.  You can’t get them motivated to do their work when you can’t get motivated yourself.  They get their own breakfasts and watch YouTube while you keep walking on the rebounder. Put on some educational videos at least.

10:00 Check your planner and remember that your daughter’s orchestra concert is tonight. Cry, because doing something in the evening seems like it is way too overwhelming. The husband is telling you someone is going to come over and consult about  the floor you’re hoping to put in, and you know the piano teacher will be here soon so you get dressed and put on some make up. You play with your two-year-old and watch her laugh, but feel apathetic. You wish you could be so carefree.

coffee mom talk depression day in the life depressed mom mental illness

11:00 The kids’ piano teacher arrives and you walk the dog down to the barn to find your son. It’s a beautiful sunny day and you want to stay outside but the wind is too windy and the wind chimes are to chime-y and the sun is too shiny. You go back inside.  Time passes and you don’t even know what you did.

12:00 Now it is lunchtime and you realize you had meant to go down and get hamburger out of the freezer to thaw several times and never actually made it happen. Let the kids make their own sandwiches. Do some reading and Marco Polo with some friends. Want to support them and what they’re going through. It’s very hard because you don’t have any emotional strength for yourself.

1:00 It is time to take oldest to orchestra. You cry because Finnella cries and tries getting in the car. You go and get your nails done so they look pretty because feeling pretty makes you feel better. And they are pretty,  but it doesn’t really help. You’re reading a book about a recovering drug addict who is in jail and it’s hard even feel any empathy with her and you know your problems aren’t even that big but they seem insurmountable.

2:00 You get home and take a picture of your crabapple trees because three of the four of them aren’t blooming and it really bugs you, as in, you think about the not blooming trees on a regular basis. Bugs you like,  it comes up at random times in your mind, “Why aren’t they blooming?! Why do all the other trees look so good!?”  And you want to post to gardening experts about what you should do.

You try to think of solutions for the things that really bother you because you know it’s not normal thinking. But you can’t help it, and actually finding a gardening forum is overwhelming and several days later it’s still not done.day in the life with depression depressed mental health mom mother mental illnessYou see your puppy lying still in the yard. She doesn’t get up when the car drives into the lane. Suddenly you worry that she’s dead, she’s really dead. What would you do if she was dead?? You feel your heart racing and you start sweating, and you’re breathing rapidly and you can’t think of anything else but if she’s dead and so you start to walk over to her and she lifts her head  and runs excitedly over to you. You thank God she’s not dead and you know that it’s crazy to even have thought that she’s dead, and that logically it’s nearly an impossibility but you can’t help it. You snuggle her for a while.

3:00 The kids are all playing out back and you watch them through the deck doors for a while and marvel at their wonderful creativity even know they’re doing some things they’re really not supposed to be doing, like playing with the fire escape ladder. You don’t have the energy to make them take the ladder back upstairs and have a sneaking suspicion that it will be in that tree all summer, but you can’t even care. You are just glad they are leaving you alone.

You have gotten the new patches for the ceiling in the mail so you apply one.

You go out to the yard to try to get some vitamin D.

depression day in the life depressed mom describe mother mum

 

When the kids discover that you’re home, you really can’t handle them climbing around on you so you go sit in the living room and they wander off to play outside some more. When the two-year-old comes to ask you to read to her you do, but you are so exhausted that you just fall asleep. You literally just fall asleep on the couch without meaning to.

5:00 The next thing you know your 13-year-old is telling you that it is time to leave for her orchestra concert and asking if you can please do her hair. You do a  pull through braid, very loose  and beautiful. But she doesn’t think it’s fancy enough and doesn’t think that there is enough time to fix it again and she make up. You feel defeated. No one can understand how hard it was to just make yourself braid that incredible child’s hair.

You actually did remember to have someone get the meat out of the freezer. But now there  is no time to make dinner. The kids have to fend for themselves again. Brielle has offered to stay home with Finnella (2) and Elivette (5) so you let her despite your misgivings because it would be a lot easier to not have to deal with the little girls during the concert.

You notice that the spackle on the ceiling is dry so you start to do that, even though it’s nearly time to leave.  You just think you would have enough time while Aviana finishes her make up. She’s annoyed by this idea, because it’s really a foolish move to try and spread spackle smoothly on the ceiling when you have a deadline of walking out the door in a couple of minutes. Your brain just doesn’t do logical sometimes a lot of the time.

6:00 You’ve arrived on time at the concert and save seats for Aviana’s (and your) friends , and the husband and Cadrian (9)who are coming. Denton (7) plays a game on the Kindle and you try to read your book on your Kindle app on the phone. It’s super hard to concentrate because you worry you will miss the people you’re saving seats for. Your legs are aching like crazy and your whole body feels out of control and heavy and fuzzy. You can’t just sit still and enjoy reading.

7:00 The concert is four different orchestras and your daughter gets two recognition certificates. You’re really proud of her, and want to enjoy the remainder of concert, but you also really want to leave. It’s hard to keep in your seat, but it helps to have the boys asking questions and feeling restless too, because helping them behave appropriately and encouraging them, helps you.

9:00 You discover that Kevin has stopped at McDonald’s because he didn’t get supper. You didn’t get supper either. You could have stopped for food too, but chose to get home instead. After getting the boys in bed and talking with Brielle and Aviana, you have some time to talk with Kevin, for the first time in several weeks.

In spite of feeling grumpy towards him, you’re working at flirting with your husband and talking with him about vacation plans and ideas. And everything seems to be going really well when he says some snide things to you. Whether unintentional, or intentional,  you say “You don’t need to make fun of me like that,” when he tries to drive a point home several ways. Then he gets offended and suddenly you’re in a fight, and you’re comparing him to Donald Trump, and he stamps out of the room. Now you’re alone again.

10:00 You apologize for the Donald Trump comment and then sit on the couch scrolling and watching Intervention. You like Intervention because they’re worse off than you are, you know you don’t want to self medicate like they do, and  you do want to learn how to handle your emotions in a healthy way, and learn better coping skills,  and almost all of the episodes are a story of redemption.

1:00 a.m. You take your vitamins and medicine,  go to bed and watch it some more until your eyes are heavy enough and your brain is numb enough to finally sleep. You average between 5 and 6 hours of sleep when the depression is bad. And it’s been bad lately.

 

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It’s Real Life–through a child’s eyes

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Here is the It’s Real Life badge and the code to copy which will put it on your post. The badge will appear on your page and will link back here to the fest.

This week’s theme is a photo tour through a child’s eyes in your life.

Give your child your camera and see what they go around taking pictures of. The only catch is–no primping, prepping, picking up or otherwise making your house or self look better than it looks at that moment.

Commentary to go along with the photos always welcome.

Helping Brielle with a puzzle. Boy I look pleasant.
Dada out by the shop. Behind him you see a couple of our grainbins, the red trailer, his White tractor, an auger and…
Belle (our clothes stealing Lab), the chicken coops and the trash burner

Aviana’s favorite stool. I didn’t realize this was a Barbie princess when I bought it, but oh well…
A rather artistic view. She’s standing on a hay wagon, looking through the slats at the north cattle yard and corn crib.

That is me reaching for a clothespin; it only looks like I’m dancing.

He had just fallen over when I was in the kitchen.
Yes. That’s laundry. It was on the table, it’s not really that high of a tower. I don’t think.
A classic early morning shot of the kitchen.
The girls’ “new” loft.

Your Turn!

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It’s Real Life assignment! child’s eyes

Thursday! the 19th
Theme: Through A Child’s Eyes

Give your child your camera and see what they go around taking pictures of. The only catch is–no primping, prepping, picking up or otherwise making your house or self look better than it looks at that moment.

Commentary to go along with the photos always welcome.

You can play along even if you’re not a mama! If you don’t have a child you can borrow one, or get down at a three foot level and see what catches your eye.

Post however many pictures you want at your blog, and then come here Thursday, 19 March to link up and show us your Real Life Through A Child’s Eyes.

Hope you can play!

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Apron Fancy

I like aprons. As my bloggy friend Kim says, “For quite a while I’ve been wearing an apron in the kitchen. It makes me feel like I’m a real grown up. (Yes, apparently I need props for this.) When the kids come home from school and I’m wearing my apron, I’m more likely to feel like making them a snack. When guests arrive for dinner, I like having one on because it gives the illusion I’ve been slaving over the stove – just for them. I’m a professional wife and mom, and frankly, an apron just helps me feel like it.”

But the aprons I have are kind of frumpy–even if they are vintage.

So look what I bought today!

That’s from sassyaprons on Etsy. I can’t wait to open that package…

And Aviana is now stylin’ too. I got brave and used my sewing machine. I made a pattern out of newspaper. It’s serviceable, free (material I already had on hand), and quite sassy. I need to do a lot of fixin’ on it, (like I tried to use magnets as a neck clasp which I wouldn’t recommend, and I need to fix the pocket, and I actually sewed one of the scallops on the hem straight–sodon’t look too closely). Nevertheless, I pronounce it a successful first attempt.

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It’s Real Life

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Here is the It’s Real Life badge. Copy the code which will put it on your post. The badge will appear on your page and will link back here to the fest.

Directions for playing are in the post below this one. I hope you can play this week, because I sorely need to see other people’s kitchens to get some ideas on how to make mine better!

This week’s theme is STORE IT: KITCHEN

I never noticed what a mess this all was until I took pictures for this post. This is the shelf above my ‘desk’ which, since it’s right by the back door, is really a catch all. My cookbooks are here. I also have my cake plate there in the upper left, and my trifle bowl is behind that photo of my girls and my nieces and nephew. An area badly in need of a reordering.
I don’t even know what’s up here. Kevin is tall. I am not. That’s us btw, when we were dating.

This is where the pizza pizzazz would go, if it weren’t out on the counter. Also my food processor. Lunch bags. Bigger tupperware & salad bowls & trays go here too. Also cookie cutters. A space that isn’t well used.
This is the cabinet where the crockpot would go if it were not out on the counter. This is across from the washer & dryer, which explains the hangers.
Compost in the ice cream bucket-metal recyclables in the yellow bucket. Rags and some cleaning supplies go here. Also used batteries.
This is a high cupboard for the rest of the cleaning supplies.
My”good dishes”Pfaltzgraff goes here, along with assorted miscellany, like dishes for picnics. This is above the dryer.
This hutch has been taken over by preschool and library books. I still do have some ‘china’ on the top shelf though, but what I really need is to not have glass doors!
Even though these spices look organized, I still have to spin the thing for ten minutes to find what I want.
I don’t think this cabinet is very well used. I keep the toaster and mixer here, the griddle, and some assorted baggies ect.
Plastic ware drawer

Can someone please come over and reorganize me? I’ll pay you with cookies and homemade peanut butter cups. Thanks.

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It’s Real Life–An Ordinary Day

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Here is the It’s Real Life badge and the code to copy which will put it on your post. The badge will appear on your page and will link back here to the fest.

This week’s theme is a photo tour of an ordinary day in your life.

Some caveats: You must include at least one picture of yourself in action.
You must include at least one picture of someone close to you, also in action.
You must include one picture in your kitchen.

My ordinary day was Monday.

5-6 a.m. Nurse baby. Try to get more sleep.
6-7 a.m. Brielle gets into bed with us. She jabbers non-stop.
She grunts loudly, toots, then declares. “Me tooting. Me say, Nnnnnngggg…toot!”
What a way to wake up.
7-8 a.m. Get people dressed, changed, pottied, fed. Google an ideal gift for a six year old boy. Overwhelmed by the large variety of choices, give up and call his mother. When discussing gift with Aviana: “What should we give Isaac for his birthday?”
“We sud div him Tadrian!”
“Give him your baby brother!?”
“Yes, den you tuld pway wif us more!”
8-9 a.m. Continue the getting ready to go process, along with sorting some clothes and relabeling bins, killing way too many flies and starting a load of laundry, hoping the lipstick comes out. There’s a phone conversation with my MIL in there too.
9-10 a.m. Arrive at Toys R Us to discover they are closed. Take a circuitous route due to ridiculous one ways to KMart across the street. Buy present, visit restroom, buy shoes for Brielle, socks for Aviana, and pick up penny 17 times off the floor Brielle keeps dropping

10-1 Arrive at party with gift wrapped in Kmart bag. Enjoy company of wonderful friends, even though four year old was cold and whiney and spent most of the party in the van.
Eat super yummy snacks.

After driving home again, commence ‘quiet time’.
1-3 p.m.Since Brielle actually fell asleep, Aviana and I started a batch of Ginger Cream cookies. Cadrian practices holding up his head, and
eats.
3-4:30 was today’s designated screaming hour. I was so frustrated, I didn’t get one picture of Brielle’s ginormous tantrum or Cadrian’s excruciating yelling.

4:30-5 Finally, though, everyone (but me) is happy once again. Aviana works on her state puzzle
while Brielle assists with the Ginger Creams. Somewhere in there Brielle gets in big trouble for spilling water on my new frame and getting the mat wet.
5-5:30 Thank goodness for Curious George!
5:30-6 Bath, try to read to the girls, nurse the still very unhappy baby. Intend to take some headache medicine but don’t remember to do it right away. Get chicken nuggets and fries on Pizza Pizzazz! and veggies on stove top. Kevin comes in–my relief is boundless.

Aviana sees how sad and upset I am and does a silly dance to try and cheer me up.

6-7 p.m. My relief is short lived when I see him dressed to go to his band gig. I start to cry. I don’t say much. Aviana asks if I’m still upset at Brielle. Kevin asks what’s wrong, but we don’t really have time to get into it, and I decline to answer.

Finally he makes a smart aleck comment about how I’m having a pity party because everyone is leaving me tonight.

I react very maturely and swear at him and stomp out of the room.

Fortunately, I married the best man in the world and he comes to find me and I tell him how exhausted I am. We make up.

7-8 p.m. Get the girls in bed. Shush them a few times. Finally tell them I’m going to shut off the living room light (they use it for their night light) if they don’t be quiet and go to sleep. Don’t hear anything else from them.

8-9 p.m. Eat a loaded baked potato and crawl in bed; still with a headache. Nurse baby and snuggle with him. Read for a while.

9:45-10:30 p.m. Am asleep when Kevin comes home, but he brought me a peanut butter and hot fudge shake with fat free ice cream, so I get up to eat my special treat! Mess around online for a bit.

10:30 Back in bed. Asleep.

Pretty typical around here (excepting the getting mad at my dear hubs part–that’s actually a rarity). Now let’s see an ordinary day in your neck of the woods!

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It’s Real Life Assignment


This week’s It’s Real Life is An Ordinary Day.

You need to give us a photo tour of an ordinary day in your life. Please do as many pictures as you’d like, up to one an hour, of the day you choose between now and next Thursday. We’ll be posting them next Thursday so you have a week to show us an ordinary day between now and next Thursday.

Some caveats: You must include at least one picture of yourself in action.
You must include at least one picture of someone close to you, also in action.
You must include one picture in your kitchen.

The rest is up to you. You can narrate, or let the photos speak for themselves. You can include many pictures or only a few. You can choose a workday or a weekend. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s an ordinary day and come back next Thursday to link up and see some others’ ordinary days too.

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It’s Real Life-How I Roll

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Here is the It’s Real Life badge and the code to copy which will put it on your post. The badge will appear on your page and will link back here to the fest.

This week’s theme is How I Roll.

This week’s It’s Real Life is dedicated to McMommy. We ‘met’ because she had a funny minivan post back in April, asked to see the inside of our vans, and I played along. Thanks to her, I did an It’s Real Life, before there was an It’s Real Life!

This actually looks pretty good. I live on a gravel road after all.
Belle and Brielle. Cadrian’s seat and blanket. The mail I had just picked up on the way home. Yay–Momsense magazine and my Stampin’ Up catalogue!
Ignore the gunk. Stale Teddy Grahams for an emergency. Tissues are a must when one has severe allergies.
We love fresh breath around here–or is that farm fresh breath? Ha ha. Several state maps, because you just never know where you’ll end up!
The requisite Diet Mountain Dew, choice of champions, and highly caffeinated new moms. My make-up, because when we’re running late, I do it in car. I also have make-up in the house. Someone’s phone number we no longer need on that yellow sticky note.
This is the back of the van. Underneath four lawn chairs you’ll find Brielle’s candy bag from the parade. An air compressor in case of a flat tire.
Also in the back, some treat bags, the Mei Tai wrap, a ‘just in case it’s sunny’ hat, Aviana’s “church bag” (an activity bag for service), and our reusable grocery bags, which I completely forgot about–as I had just taken in a week’s worth of groceries that the bag boy managed to fit on top of all this paraphernalia. There are umbrellas under all this too.

And we have jumper cables under the insulated reusable bag–which I also forgot about thusly leaving the milk in the car during MOPS registration, justifying that it was a cool day and it would probably be ok.
Cadrian’s diaper bag, wipes and yes, that would be a dirty diaper. I took these pictures just after arriving home is my excuse on that one. I had to change him in the parking lot and hadn’t had a chance to dispose properly of the diaper. Yet.
Snack mix anyone?


If you would be so kind, please put your name and blog name in the first box and then in the second box, link directly to your post, instead of to your whole blog. To do this, publish your post, click on the title, copy (control + C) the address that comes up, including the http part.

For example I would put:
Your name: Jessica at Farm Fresh
Your url: http://farmfreshiowa.blogspot.com/2008/08/its-real-life-how-i-roll.html

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It’s Real Life is back


After some maternity leave, I’m pleased to be able to bring you It’s Real Life once again. It’s Real Life is a blog photo fest in which you take pictures of assigned parts of your real life without staging the area, primping or cleaning or picking up. This week’s assignment is “How I Roll”.

Let’s see pictures of your bicycle, your limo, your metropass or your minivan. Got a My Kid’s an Honor Roll Student at Humperdink High bumper sticker? Let’s see it. Do you sport a suction cup Garfield in your back window? Take a picture of that. Do you keep your favorite CD’s in your vehicle? What are they? Do you stash a pair of shoes and a bra in the van because you’re always late for the car pool? Let’s see it. Petrified fries from a Happy Meal last summer? Rocks from your kid’s last visit to the playground? So many dropped raisins and cheerios you could make snack mix from the floor of your car? Let’s see it!

Be ready Thursday! You’ll come back here and grab the It’s Real Life Badge code to post on your blog, sign up with Mr. Linky and we’ll all see How You Roll.

See you Thursday!

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