Depressed mOM WITH DEPRESSION day in the life

A Day in the Life of a Mom with Depression

6:00 Eyes pop open and brain sizzles. Realize that the two-year-old is still asleep and you don’t have a headache, for the first time in two or three weeks. Try to go back to sleep but your brain is on now and you can’t. Try to get out of bed. Lay there. Your neck and shoulders hurt so much you can barely move your head.

7:00 Get up and find coffee. You are so achey you hobble down the stairs like an 85 year old. You know you’re not sick and that it isn’t from too much exercise. The boys are ready to get on the bus and just want their snuggles and love. You just want to be left alone, but you do give the hugs and kisses. Realize that you have some time completely alone and you take advantage of it and read your Bible. Sneak in a little creative verse drawing.

8:00 Decide to work out for the first time in several days. Can’t get the TV to turn on. Try to watch videos to entertain you on your phone. But it’s just not working and you keep getting distracted and get off the trampoline several times to clean this or pick that up and put that away. Grab another cup of coffee. The little girls are up now. Kevin comes in the house briefly and fixes the TV by unplugging it and plugging it back in. Your foggy brain couldn’t come up with that solution. You hug and kiss him in thanks but he’s in a rush and you feel brushed off.

9:00 You feel like you’re moving through a field of molasses in a swamp. Sometimes it feels like you are a swamp walker all the time.  Everything takes such a colossal effort.  The big girls are up and the boys are back home. You homeschool, and you keep thinking that you’ll do school  with the kids but you also want to see if you can get some more walking in and watch motivational videos which improve your mood.  You can’t get them motivated to do their work when you can’t get motivated yourself.  They get their own breakfasts and watch YouTube while you keep walking on the rebounder. Put on some educational videos at least.

10:00 Check your planner and remember that your daughter’s orchestra concert is tonight. Cry, because doing something in the evening seems like it is way too overwhelming. The husband is telling you someone is going to come over and consult about  the floor you’re hoping to put in, and you know the piano teacher will be here soon so you get dressed and put on some make up. You play with your two-year-old and watch her laugh, but feel apathetic. You wish you could be so carefree.

coffee mom talk depression day in the life depressed mom mental illness

11:00 The kids’ piano teacher arrives and you walk the dog down to the barn to find your son. It’s a beautiful sunny day and you want to stay outside but the wind is too windy and the wind chimes are to chime-y and the sun is too shiny. You go back inside.  Time passes and you don’t even know what you did.

12:00 Now it is lunchtime and you realize you had meant to go down and get hamburger out of the freezer to thaw several times and never actually made it happen. Let the kids make their own sandwiches. Do some reading and Marco Polo with some friends. Want to support them and what they’re going through. It’s very hard because you don’t have any emotional strength for yourself.

1:00 It is time to take oldest to orchestra. You cry because Finnella cries and tries getting in the car. You go and get your nails done so they look pretty because feeling pretty makes you feel better. And they are pretty,  but it doesn’t really help. You’re reading a book about a recovering drug addict who is in jail and it’s hard even feel any empathy with her and you know your problems aren’t even that big but they seem insurmountable.

2:00 You get home and take a picture of your crabapple trees because three of the four of them aren’t blooming and it really bugs you, as in, you think about the not blooming trees on a regular basis. Bugs you like,  it comes up at random times in your mind, “Why aren’t they blooming?! Why do all the other trees look so good!?”  And you want to post to gardening experts about what you should do.

You try to think of solutions for the things that really bother you because you know it’s not normal thinking. But you can’t help it, and actually finding a gardening forum is overwhelming and several days later it’s still not done.day in the life with depression depressed mental health mom mother mental illnessYou see your puppy lying still in the yard. She doesn’t get up when the car drives into the lane. Suddenly you worry that she’s dead, she’s really dead. What would you do if she was dead?? You feel your heart racing and you start sweating, and you’re breathing rapidly and you can’t think of anything else but if she’s dead and so you start to walk over to her and she lifts her head  and runs excitedly over to you. You thank God she’s not dead and you know that it’s crazy to even have thought that she’s dead, and that logically it’s nearly an impossibility but you can’t help it. You snuggle her for a while.

3:00 The kids are all playing out back and you watch them through the deck doors for a while and marvel at their wonderful creativity even know they’re doing some things they’re really not supposed to be doing, like playing with the fire escape ladder. You don’t have the energy to make them take the ladder back upstairs and have a sneaking suspicion that it will be in that tree all summer, but you can’t even care. You are just glad they are leaving you alone.

You have gotten the new patches for the ceiling in the mail so you apply one.

You go out to the yard to try to get some vitamin D.

depression day in the life depressed mom describe mother mum

 

When the kids discover that you’re home, you really can’t handle them climbing around on you so you go sit in the living room and they wander off to play outside some more. When the two-year-old comes to ask you to read to her you do, but you are so exhausted that you just fall asleep. You literally just fall asleep on the couch without meaning to.

5:00 The next thing you know your 13-year-old is telling you that it is time to leave for her orchestra concert and asking if you can please do her hair. You do a  pull through braid, very loose  and beautiful. But she doesn’t think it’s fancy enough and doesn’t think that there is enough time to fix it again and she make up. You feel defeated. No one can understand how hard it was to just make yourself braid that incredible child’s hair.

You actually did remember to have someone get the meat out of the freezer. But now there  is no time to make dinner. The kids have to fend for themselves again. Brielle has offered to stay home with Finnella (2) and Elivette (5) so you let her despite your misgivings because it would be a lot easier to not have to deal with the little girls during the concert.

You notice that the spackle on the ceiling is dry so you start to do that, even though it’s nearly time to leave.  You just think you would have enough time while Aviana finishes her make up. She’s annoyed by this idea, because it’s really a foolish move to try and spread spackle smoothly on the ceiling when you have a deadline of walking out the door in a couple of minutes. Your brain just doesn’t do logical sometimes a lot of the time.

6:00 You’ve arrived on time at the concert and save seats for Aviana’s (and your) friends , and the husband and Cadrian (9)who are coming. Denton (7) plays a game on the Kindle and you try to read your book on your Kindle app on the phone. It’s super hard to concentrate because you worry you will miss the people you’re saving seats for. Your legs are aching like crazy and your whole body feels out of control and heavy and fuzzy. You can’t just sit still and enjoy reading.

7:00 The concert is four different orchestras and your daughter gets two recognition certificates. You’re really proud of her, and want to enjoy the remainder of concert, but you also really want to leave. It’s hard to keep in your seat, but it helps to have the boys asking questions and feeling restless too, because helping them behave appropriately and encouraging them, helps you.

9:00 You discover that Kevin has stopped at McDonald’s because he didn’t get supper. You didn’t get supper either. You could have stopped for food too, but chose to get home instead. After getting the boys in bed and talking with Brielle and Aviana, you have some time to talk with Kevin, for the first time in several weeks.

In spite of feeling grumpy towards him, you’re working at flirting with your husband and talking with him about vacation plans and ideas. And everything seems to be going really well when he says some snide things to you. Whether unintentional, or intentional,  you say “You don’t need to make fun of me like that,” when he tries to drive a point home several ways. Then he gets offended and suddenly you’re in a fight, and you’re comparing him to Donald Trump, and he stamps out of the room. Now you’re alone again.

10:00 You apologize for the Donald Trump comment and then sit on the couch scrolling and watching Intervention. You like Intervention because they’re worse off than you are, you know you don’t want to self medicate like they do, and  you do want to learn how to handle your emotions in a healthy way, and learn better coping skills,  and almost all of the episodes are a story of redemption.

1:00 a.m. You take your vitamins and medicine,  go to bed and watch it some more until your eyes are heavy enough and your brain is numb enough to finally sleep. You average between 5 and 6 hours of sleep when the depression is bad. And it’s been bad lately.

 

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Musings on The Whole 30

Tomorrow August 1, on my 41st birthday, I start the  Whole 30. 2016 has been a year of change. I’ve been battling to change my eating habits, and my lifestyle, and never ever go back to having chronic headaches several times a week and being bedridden  with migraines for a quarter or even third of my life! 
When I juiced the month of April, I saw amazing benefits in my energy and mental clarity among other things, and have not ever descended back into eating an entire row of brownies or eating spoonful after spoonful of cookie dough. I’m still off caffeine. I don’t have severe sugar cravings every afternoon and need to rummage for chocolate. But I’m gradually getting headaches back again, and my energy isn’t as high and that near constant irritability that used to plague me when I was sick is rearing its ugly head. 
Juicing was really good for me in that I didn’t have to eat real food and the temptation of all the not healthful food choices was essentially eliminated. But it was really time consuming, expensive and not sustainable. When I was finishing that month of my juice fast feeling wonderful and looking better to boot, a couple of my friends suggested the Whole 30 as kind of a where to go from here next step. 
I eagerly got the books from the library and immediately decided it would be impossible to not eat sugar or bread.  And cheese. They want me to eliminate cheese! It was too strict and regimented for my personality. 
But then my doctor suggested that going gluten free might be really beneficial for me, and told me it appears that my gut still needs a lot of work and that my liver is working too hard and I should do another cleanse. And then a good friend told me she’s been diagnosed with thyroid issues and was going to start the Whole 30 a bit before the time I’d been hesitantly considering it. And then another one of our friends was going to do it with her in solidarity at first but then discovered all the ways it would benefit her family. And then another friend told me she’d join me on the second wave, and give up gluten and sugar.And another friend and fellow cheese lover said she’s eliminating dairy. 
So here I am. I had my cup of Teeccino this morning without French vanilla creamer. I didn’t have a bit of any of the kids’s cookies or Italian ices. Today, so far, has been Whole 30 compliant. 
Kevin and I are going out on a dinner and movie date tonight so I’ll see if I can keep up the momentum, but I like to be able to tell myself I don’t have to, as I’m starting officially tomorrow. 
I’m going to cook for the family lots of on plan meals, and also have separate food for myself when the kids are having sandwiches or something. 
Kevin supports me in that he’ll eat his evening ice cream in the office instead of next to me on the couch. When I was listing off all the veggies we needed to pick up at the store, he said, “And I need chocolate and beer.”
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Goodwill Stylist aka The Un Stitch Fix

I’ve done a couple of Stitch Fixes and loved the idea of it, but it was super hard for my frugal self to swallow the price point. I’ve been saying for months I needed a stylist who would thrift shop for me and today I was able to do it myself!! 
I am WAY more excited about these finds than I was even about my Stitch Fix. 
This dress is from Banana Republic. It cost $4.88. It is my favorite color and fits pretty well. I love how the cut is vintage-y.  I can’t nurse in it, but I can wear it to an event where I wouldn’t need to take Fizzy Baby along. 
The shoes are Born and the most expensive thing I bought. They were $12.88.
This top is St. John’s Bay and the flower has sparkles and a little 3D effect with chiffon detailing.

The capris are Nine West. I’ve been wanting a pair like them for ages, even though I’ve seen memes about how no one should decorate their bum. I don’t care. I love them.

This tank I got today and the unicorn leggings. Everyone needs unicorn leggings.

Here is a better picture of the j. jill tank. I paired it with a mega comfy polka dotted pencil skirt from Old Navy. Leggings, tank, and skirt were all $2.88.

I also got a pair of capris from The Gap and an American Eagle skirt short enough that NO one should be wearing it. I plan to cut the lace off the skirt and cut the capris into shorts to trim the legs with the lace. 
Additionally, I found a VS nightie with tags, 4 dresses/outfits each for Finnella and Elivette, jeans and a few shirts for Brielle, an Iowa State jersey and sweatshirt for Cadrian, another pair of unicorn leggings, a tunic, a maxi dress and a couple pairs of pajamas for Aviana. 
Total cost was LESS than my last Stitch Fix (which was 3 items). 
Even if it takes more time, it’s settled.  I’m going to stick with my Goodwill stylist. 
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Stitch Fix #2

Stitch Fix is my favorite. I did my first Fix six months ago and liked all the items I received. I felt so pampered. Retail shopping is something I rarely, if ever, do and Stitch Fix fits nicely into my life. 
You fill out a form to let them know what you like, about your lifestyle, and preferences in color and items. Having a fashion Pinterest board is helpful so your stylist can get an idea of what your tastes are. (Here’s mine: http://pin.it/KfI3CjD
I was excited that I got two referral bonuses to use ($25 each) and in addition if you keep all five items they choose for you, you get 25% off! 
It costs $20 as a styling fee, but if you keep an item, you get it taken off your order. These items averaged $30 after the discounts. 
Now with the basics out of the way here’s what I got:
Elaine Ikat Print Pocket Front Knit Tee
I would never have picked out either the color or the pattern, but I really like it. It’s extraordinarily soft and will dress up if I want. The light color is more of a light blue than is showing in the picture.
Banzai Twist Detail Top

This is a dressier fabric that I would worry about spilling on or the kids goobering, so this is strictly a going out of the house shirt. I don’t own anything green either, so I am surprised how much I like it. The twisty neck is a fun detail, and I could still wear a necklace with it. 
Montgomery Cross Front Top

This is a knit fabric, also incredibly soft and, I think, quite flattering and nursing friendly

Halle Printed Flare Skirt

I really love this skirt. It’s got a vintage feel in both feel and pattern. I have one almost like it with polka dots. It has the unfortunate flaw of being a bit too snug and not having an elastic waist. Since having all these kiddos, I am all about the elastic waist. I may alter it so it’s more comfortable, because it is definitely not an all day item as is. 

Sam Hi-Lo Short Sleeve Tee

This shirt, again, is amazingly comfortable and so soft! I’m quite tactile so that matters to me quite a lot. It is a good basic piece and a lot higher quality than what I am used to wearing. 
However, it is not very forgiving. Here is what it looks like with the wrong pants and wrong bra.

If I keep all five items, the discount basically lets me get 1 1/2 of them for free. And as an added incentive, I don’t have to go to the post office! 
 What do you think? Would you keep them all? I need to decide by Saturday. (You have five days to decide, I just couldn’t get the pictures taken and the post done right away.)
If you decide you want to try Stitch Fix, I’d be honored if you went through my link: https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/6383365
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Stitch Fix and more

Baby Girl, Sweet Fizzy Baby, is six months old now.

 I am starting to feel like I can do this thing, this mothering six souls thing. I am not crying every day any more and I am laughing. It feels wonderful to laugh again.

One thing that really helped is the Handsome Husband and I went on a short impromptu vacation to Las Vegas of all places. We went with another couple which just made it even better. The laughter! The being a person, not just a mom! The space in my brain!

Finnella and me waiting to go up in the High Roller

The Farmer, Finnella and Me at Hoover Dam

Just some farmers checkin’ out the big city.

I’ve also been having a hard time because I am still wearing maternity jeans and leggings all the time. I realize I’m 40 now and this is baby #6. I know that appearance isn’t everything. I know my heart and love and compassion matter more. I know all that, and yet it still bothers me that I went from my high school size pre-pregnancy to not even being able to fit into my “fat clothes” now, six months later.

I heard about Stitch Fix and thought it might help my self view a little bit to have some nicer things to put on this amazingly capable, mama strong body. I decided to join Stitch Fix because I never have time to shop for myself. I’m only just now leaving the baby with her dada for any length of time. Stitch Fix is an on line stylist/personal shopper. You fill out a detailed profile for yourself, noting what styles you like and any details you think would be pertinent, such as needing access to be able to breast feed, or a preference for no holey pants.

I also like that it’s completely free to join and there is no commitment. I signed up to just try one fix, although you can do it monthly if you want to. There is a $20 styling fee that you only have to pay if you don’t keep anything from your order. If you keep all five of the items they send, you get a 25% discount. Since I’m almost exclusively a Goodwill shopper, the prices are definitely high for me. I hardly have anything in my closet I bought new.

I got my first Fix on Tuesday, unfortunately when I was sick in bed and couldn’t even bring myself to open the box. I tried on the items yesterday and decided to keep all five because the discount was equivalent to getting one of the shirts free. One interesting thing about my Fix was that I wouldn’t have even tried on most of these items if I were in the store and saw them on the rack.

This is a navy asymmetrical cardigan and infinity scarf. The cardigan makes me appear to have a waist 🙂 and the pop of pink in the scarf matches almost everything in my closet and keeps me warm.

This is a grey crochet inset shirt. The fabric is “nicer” than what I usually wear (nearly always tee shirt fabric). The cut isn’t super flattering but  I really like the details and the fancy feel of the fabric.

This is a charcoal extraordinarily soft tee shirt. Business up front, party in the back! It’s perfect for accessorizing with something, perhaps a bold necklace or a scarf.

I wasn’t too keen on a tank top in my December Fix, but I thought maybe I could wear it under a jacket or cardigan and I would be warm enough. My sister-in-law does this all the time, so maybe it will work for me too. Nevertheless, I can wear it in the summer because I love the scalloped hem, the gathering at the yoke, and the button detail in the back.

If Stitch Fix is something you would like to try, I’d love it if you used my referral link!
https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/6383365

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Finnella Blessing 29 days old

My sweet little Finnella will be one month old tomorrow! I am having a hard time believing that little statistic as far as she is concerned. 
As for me, I am definitely feeling more like a human and less like a blubbering ball of  baby fat and boobage. I even briefly considered going for an energetic walk this morning. Then I thought better of it and had a second cup of coffee. 
Intellectually and creatively,  I am bouncing back as well. I still can’t be counted on to remember things like feeding other people’s cats or who is taking Aviana to piano, but I finished up all my reading and study guide for my upcoming Birth Boot Camp Instructor training and yesterday Brielle and I painted these:
Nursing is going MUCH better. In fact, on Sunday, she nursed in the wrap while I walked around grocery shopping. That felt pretty monumental. I can read while she nursed now and have read a couple of pretty good books this month. You should find me on GoodReads! I am thankful nursing has stopped requiring all of my concentration. 
I handle being with the kids by myself pretty well. If the big girls have done their jobs, and are just sitting there reading, I pass off Finnella to them. It seems like a win-win :). Today a friend needed some help and so she brought her two boys over, and I had eight kiddos here! It worked out in my favor though because I can be a broken record with my own boys, “go outside. Go outside. Go. OUT. Side!” But when they have friends here, they will play out there unbidden for days.
Finnella doesn’t really do much to report, just the baby basics: eat, exit what she ate, cry, sleep, repeat. She did make it all the way into town today without crying, not all the way to our destination, but still, progress. She recognizes me; if she is crying in somone else’s arms, when I take her she almost always quiets immediately–at least momentarily. 
I think the other children have adjusted now, at least for the most part. We are finding our new normal, and it is good.

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Things I’m Afraid I’ll Never Again Have

I’ve been a mama now for 10 1/2 years…expecting our sixth little Farm Fresh Blessing. I should be used it by now…and yet sometimes I’m afraid.

I’m afraid I’ll never have a house clean for longer than twenty minutes.

I’m afraid things will always move around seemingly of their own accord. I’ll forever be finding hairbrushes on the floor and never knowing what happened to my orange handled scissors and my flour sifters will always be taken out to the sandbox.

I’m afraid…

I’ll always wake up to the sound of people fighting.

I’ll never go a day without someone crying.

Mopping will only happen because someone spilled something.

Someone will always be touching/pushing on/grabbing at/pulling on/poking at/sitting on/kicking (from the inside) me.

I’ll forever have to listen to petty squabbles–because how else should one handle it when someone is reading the book someone else checked out from the library?

I’ll never again have an uninterrupted thought.

I will be repeating myself ad nauseum for the rest of my life. I will be repeating myself ad nauseum for the rest of my life. ISAID, I will be repeating myself ad nauseum for the rest of my life.

I will constantly have to think about what we need when we leave the house; will this outing coincide with a hunger time, do I need snacks, do I have extra bundies/diapers/outfits/wipes, does everyone have shoes, does everyone have a coat, do we need waters? Et cetera, et cetera.

Someone will always be peeking in on me in the shower.

Someone will always be bluntly commenting about my body.

I will forever feel crowded.

I’ll have to listen to other people screaming for the rest of my life.

I will always be stepping over small socks strewn in a swath of other disembodied and discarded clothing, toys and sundry other household items.

I will never be able to do just ONE load of laundry.

People will be making their birthday wish lists nine months in advance and talking about them in great detail every single day… forever.

No one will ever again say to me “I wuv you so mutz, Mama.”

I will never ever be woken up at the crack of dawn by someone asking permission to open my curtains, “betuz I just wanted to share the sunrise wif you, Mama.”

No one will ever again fold their long limbs into my lap saying, “I just need a snuggle.”

I won’t have anyone to rock and breathe.

No one will ever again come banging into the house leaving the door ajar smelling of fresh air and little boy.

There will be no one to enthusiastically make me a cup of coffee.
I won’t have any adorable tiny

bodies to clothe in handmade
creations.

I won’t need to teach or correct or corral or remind or reprimand.
I’m afraid because these days are so long and so arduous and so
tedious and so challenging and then one day, these days will be gone.

My job will be completed.
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Smack Dab in the Lap of Imperfection

7:20 a.m. Hear someone crying. Get up.
Find sweatshirt and sweatpants and robe. Come downstairs barefoot. It’s one degree outside and the floor in the bathroom feels about the same. Feel annoyed with Elivette for pulling on my sweat pant strings and untying them while I’m trying to pee. Feel guilty that I’m annoyed, especially since I did get to stay in bed past seven.

Denton gets hit in the face with a light saber while I’m trying to navigate the whole coffee and creamer and right side up cup ordeal with half open eyes and I feel guilty about looking in the refrigerator for the creamer while halfheartedly comforting him.

Sit in my comfy chair by the corn stove with toddler on the left and preschooler on the right arms of my chair. Elivette snuggles into my chest and asks to nurse. This child who hasn’t nursed since November still asks me nearly every single day. Shot of guilt for weaning her when *I* was ready and not when she was ready.

Read several books to Elivette while I ignore the boys upstairs bothering their older sisters who are still in bed. She and I have lots of giggles about the pictures and faces in her book. Wonder if I should interfere with the situation upstairs. Wonder if I were a “better mom” if they would still torment and tease. Wonder if my kids are normal or if there is too much yelling in this home and that is why they yell. Feel guilty.

She starts pulling on my hoodie strings and kind of choking me. I put her on the floor where she cries. I let her climb back up when she starts “smooshing baby” and pushing uncomfortably on my belly. I put her down again and she cries again and I feel like a heartless mom who doesn’t just sacrifice herself for her toddler but I must maintain boundaries and take care of myself too which feels like an impossible task.

The kids want to listen to a CD only we can’t find the cord to the CD player. After looking in several places, I pirate the cord from my camera charger which miraculously fits. Wonder if we would still have all the lost things if I were better at organizing and teaching the kids how to put away their things. Feel guilty. Denton starts screaming and slamming doors because Cadrian is the one who gets to hold the CD and put it in the player.

Cadrian finally goes to begin unloading the dishwasher after having been asked roughly thirty times. Denton comes out of the keeping room and begins pulling on the CD player and making the CD skip and yanking on the camera cord, which makes me feel angry and anxious that my camera cord will get ruined and the library CD will get ruined. After asking him to stop several times and gently pushing his hands away and moving his whole little body away, he will not be altered in his destructive course. I not so gently push him away and bodily pick him up and plop him on the couch in the keeping room and shut the door. Feel on the verge of tears that I’ve already had a temper fit and it’s not even an hour into my day.

Loudly remind Cadrian to finish his job for the umpteenth time. Loudly remind Elivette to take her sippy cup to the kitchen for the umpteenth time. Try to read a couple articles in my Holistic Parenting magazine which are about the importance of real food which I then translate into my being a ‘bad mom’ because all I’ve fed Fizzy Baby is a couple cups of coffee and a cookie and we’re going to have frozen breakfast pizza for breakfast.

Change Elivette’s stinky pants the smell of which makes me internally puke a bit. Feel guilty that I didn’t take her diaper off earlier so she would have gone in the potty and that the wipes are so cold and that taking care of her basic needs makes me want to retch.

Now Elivette and Denton are fighting over pulling up the antenna on the CD player. Cadrian is playing with the BopIt in the other room. The girls are chatty and overwhelming me with questions and comments and anecdotes.

Brielle is writing a story she intends to submit to PBSKids about a little girl whose parents are so mean they don’t let her watch X or R rated movies or drink alcoholic beverages, not even margaritas. Wonder if the PBS people will think WE watch X movies and wonder how she even knows what that is, and if I should make her change it or just ignore it and wonder why I even care what these strangers think when I know we don’t do anything “wrong” but then again it’s appearances that seem to matter and…what if?

******************************

Until I wrote this out, I didn’t even realize how much of my day is punctured with guilt. I don’t know where this comes from–other than the Enemy who wants to steal my joy.

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Potatoes and Poetry

I check out books of poetry

because I think
I want to be the kind of person

who reads poetry
and to use
my brain for more than
deciding dinner
and conciliating sibling squabbles
and three weeks later 
I find the books of poetry 
unread and forgotten.
As I pare potatoes
with a knife,
because the potato peeler has
gone missing
along with the remote control
a library book by Roald Dahl
most of the magnetic alphabet
and the waist I had when
I met my husband, 
I think
about the poetry I used to read
and the poetry I used to write
and I look down into the 
oceanic eyes of the 
tiny toddler 
clinging to my legs
as she gazes up at me
willing me
to pick her up
and nuzzle her downy hair
and breathe in the scent of 
innocent potential
and I know
my life is poetry.
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Time for a change

I’m a whole different person.
The morning after I cut it, Denton came out of his room and stared at me. He made a sleepy bee line to Dada and stared some more. Then he finally says, in that indescribably sweet little voice of his, “Mama? You name Mama?”

I was just tired of it. My hair is VERY heavy and I feel so much freer now. I was finding myself getting annoyed with my sweet baby for grabbing and pulling it all the time, not to mention it huuuurrt!

So, I just started whacking at it. And it turned out pretty ok.

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