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Mascara Competition

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A while ago on my Instagram, I asked in my stories for people to recommend their favorite mascaras to me. Knowing me, I would buy one at random and try it, use it until it ran out and then try another one, and by the time I got to the end of the recommendations, have no idea which one I liked best. I do love mascara.

I decided to choose four that were available either in my Walmart pick up or on Amazon and try them all at once. It’s a mascara competition!

The contenders:

IT Cosmetics Superhero Mascara $22
 Definitely at the top of this price range, I almost didn’t purchase this. Then I thought to myself, let’s see if it’s worth it. It was. It glided on smoothly. It lengthened beautifully. I went for a walk outside in the snow and it didn’t budge. It looked good at the end of the day.   it has a weirdly shaped bottle and tips over in my make up holder. It came off easily using only I the homemade make-up wipes I prefer to use.

Maybelline Great Lash Waterproof $4

I really wanted to like Great Lash. Recommended by a beautiful friend, it’s also the exact same that my mom used all the while I was growing up. I nicked it one day in the fourth grade. While in school, I lifted my desk top, and without looking in a mirror, I piled and piled it on. My teacher made me go wash, but of course it didn’t all come off. I’m sure I looked like Tammy Faye Baaker’s white trash cousin.

Anyway, I did not like the tiny brush. The bristles were hard, so it was kind of scratching my eye lids going on. It lasted ok. I went for a walk outside  while it was snowing and it smudged. I couldn’t believe it! By the end of the day, the length was gone even though the mascara color was still there. It didn’t come off well with only my wipes; I had to use oil based eye make up remover several times. My lashes felt crunchy. Normally around $7, it’s on sale on Amazon right now for only$4, so I guess it’s a steal if you want to try a mascara I didn’t like.

NYX Pin up Tease  Mascara $6

 

I love the name of this. If I could dress like a 50’s (modestly clad) pin up girl every day, I absolutely would.  However, going on, it took a long time to dry. I thought it was dry and I smudged it. I blinked and it left large eyelash prints all my cheeks. I sneezed, and it did it again. The brush was hard and the bristles far apart. The length was glamorous. I loved how this mascara lasted; it kept the length even by the end of the day. Its bottle is too fat to fit in my make up holder.

L’Oreal Paris Makeup Lash Paradise $9

Hands down my absolute favorite! Not too bad of a price point. It goes on nicely. The brush is a nice width and the bristles feel good swiping it on. It dries quickly. No smudging during application or during the day. It makes for a beautiful length and the length lasted until removing it at the end of the day. It did need to use an eye make up remover to completely take off.


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how and why we celebrate valentine's day scrooge

I’m a Valentine Scrooge!

 (even though I also love it a little bit!)

I have a love hate relationship with Valentine’s Day.

According to various lore, there are at least three historical Valentines. One St Valentine performed weddings for people when he wasn’t supposed to and got put in jail, or even sentenced to death.

Ahhh…how romantic. He put his freedom – or his life- on the line for love.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons, where they were often beaten and tortured. I’m a fan of people helping people. I’m wondering why no one knows we have a Harriet Tubman Day (March 10, if you want to add that to your calendar.)

One legend claims a man named Valentine was in jail and fell in love with a young girl who visited him. Before he was KILLED, he supposedly sent her a letter signed “From your Valentine.  That poor young girl!  Can you imagine if your daughter was getting mail from someone on death row, and later, everyone said, “Oh how sweet! Let’s make that a national holiday!”

The Roman Catholic church in the middle ages declared Valentine’s Day a holiday because they wanted to Christianize the February celebration of Lupercalia, a fertility festival,  which took place on February 15. Just as in the cases of the Christian celebrations of Christmas and Easter, early church leaders took dates on  which the people were already celebrating and tried to change them to worship the one true God, instead of whatever celebration they were having.

Maybe Catholic  priests didn’t think it was good idea for Luperci priests to run around town slapping women with bloody goat hides in a bid to make the women more fertile in the coming year. Don’t worry, the women liked it. (History claims.)

This doesn’t really have anything to do with my modern beliefs on Valentine’s Day, I just think history is interesting.

SCROOGINESS

As a romantic holiday, I think it’s overrated and expensive. I think too much pressure is placed on guys to do the right thing. I also think giving stuffed animals and chocolates to women is stupid. I think it’s hard on people who are not in a romantic relationship.

I think waiting in lines to go out to eat on a certain day is ridiculous. Why spend an hour in line on the 14th, when you can be seated in five minutes the next week? how and why we celebrate valentine's dayIt’s crazy to spend $50 dollars on roses (how unoriginal by the way) when you can get them for $1 each a week later.if you’re going to spend the money, I’d rather have a single rose every week of the year because it meant someone was thinking of me at that moment, than a huge bouquet on a single obligatory day because my partner felt like s/he HAD to buy a bouquet on the 14th.

I saw the pressure in high school, and in the high school where I taught. The student council sold Valentines to be delivered during class, and the popular kids got a bajillion and the other kids got to watch and be reminded that they didn’t.  I witnessed the pressure in college and in my  twenties. People felt like they had to do something super special because Hallmark (and the jewelry stores, and the department stores, and even the grocery stores!) told them they had to.

What if you weren’t in a special relationship? What if you just started dating? What if you really wanted to break up but didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day?  Or felt sorry for your boy/girlfriend, and didn’t want them to be alone on Valentine’s Day?

I’m a fan of jewelry, but not heart shaped jewelry. NO woman EVER buys herself heart shaped jewelry. Also, why would we want jewelry shaped like an organ? Nobody makes stomach or lung shaped jewelry and I’m as big of a fan of food and breathing as I am of love.

how and why we celebrate valentine's dayI’m too old for stuffed animals, and I was in my teens too (even though I still slept with my stuffed aardvark-that was different). I love chocolate but I buy it for my self when I want to. I don’t need someone feeling like they need to give me a pound of chocolate to tell me they love me. Since when is it healthy to eat that much chocolate anyway!? Also, none of these gifts show any originality, or  that the giver really KNOWS me. I want someone who sees me and knows that I want a tiny bonsai  for the mantel or that I would love a wireless mouse to replace my broken one.  Mostly it’s just that I hate presents given because you’re “supposed to”.

I also hate the obligation of a romantic relationship. I appreciate the recent uptick in “Galentine’s Day”. I still feel so much compassion for those people who feel sad, or wistful, longing for something they don’t have, on the actual Valentine’s Day.how and why we do what we do on valentine's day

ON THE OTHER HAND

I love a reason to celebrate in the middle of February. I love parties and any reason to have friends over is a good one. I love pink and red. I really do love chocolate and the shape of the valentine heart. I love my friends and my kids and my friends’ kids and want to give them sweet cards. I also really enjoy a good pun, and Valentine’s Day seems to bring out the punniest cards (See what I did there?)

I wish there was someway for us to have less marketing and consumption around Valentine’s Day so people don’t feel “less than” if they’re not romantically involved or obligated. All love to you, dear ones!

 

source : https://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day-2
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The Five Minute, Four Product Fresh Face!

I love to wear make up but I hate to spend time on it. I don’t understand how the YouTube vloggers and beauty bloggers can spend an hour on their make up! They look amazing, but then again, so do I.

Here’s what I use:

Fast makeup easy tutorial and   review concealer eyeliner Hard Candy lip gloss mascara NYX Maybelline MACMaybelline Coverstick Corrector Concealer in yellow to balance out the purple under my eyes (even without getting up earlier to spend an hour on my make up, I still don’t get enough sleep!)

This doubles as a concealer if I wanted to tone down the redness of a blemish or my often cold and frequently pink nose.

Fast makeup easy tutorial and   review concealer eyeliner Hard Candy lip gloss mascara NYX Maybelline MACNYX Jumbo Eye Liner in French Fries. This can be used as eyeshadow or liner depending on the look I’m going for. I just smear it on and blend with my finger.

(Autocorrect just changed my misspelled finger to dog, for some reason. I’m tempted to leave it. “blend with my dog”.)

Fast makeup easy tutorial and   review concealer eyeliner Hard Candy lip gloss mascara NYX Maybelline MACMAC lip primer. I have lots of fine lines now that I’m in my forties and any bright color I love bleeds into my upper lip if I skip this. Not the look I want. Bleeding bright red lipstick always reminds me of my sixth grade social studies teacher who reminded me of Miss Hannigan.

Fast makeup easy tutorial and   review concealer eyeliner Hard Candy lip gloss mascara NYX Maybelline MACHard Candy Wet Ever Lip Gloss in Famous

I love this color. It’s glossy and gorgeous even after several cups of coffee.

Fast makeup easy tutorial and   review concealer eyeliner Hard Candy lip gloss mascara NYX Maybelline MACNYX Worth the Hype Mascara. I’ve been happy with every NYX mascara I’ve tried. This, however, is my favorite. They last all day and most importantly don’t stink like a lot of mascaras. The brush is soft and doesn’t scrape my eyelashes and lids as many mascara wands have a tendency to do.

Is it possible to look good and finished in so few minutes with so few products? I think so, but decide for yourself! Fast makeup easy tutorial and   review concealer eyeliner Hard Candy lip gloss mascara NYX Maybelline MAC

How long do you spend on make up usually? What’s your favorite go-to product?

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What is it like having ADHD?

What is it like having ADHD?

Well, for starters, ADHD Awareness Month was October. I fully intended to post once a week about it.

I posted once.

Is it an ADHD move to drive to Illinois when you’re trying to get down town in your same state?

Is it an ADHD move to miss your exit and not notice for an hour?

Is it an ADHD move to be watching an ADD TED talk, and you remember you have to add some things to your phone’s calendar, and then you accidentally start reading about the ballet, and end up watching another video on your phone while you’re still watching the TED Talk on the TV?

Is it an ADHD move to carry the entire full toddler potty into the bathroom to clean out the little receptacle part, carry the receptacle part back into the living room and discover that enter potty as suddenly just disappeared??    You ask the kids frantically, “Where is the potty? Where  is the potty? Toddler just went!! How could the potty just disappear?!” You never find the potty, until your coffee kicks in, and you go into the bathroom and find the potty right where you left it.

Is it an ADHD move to lose a kid almost every place you go?

Is it an ADHD move to make screen shots of a bunch of your conversations with friends, intending to turn them into a blog post, and accidentally forget what you’re doing, and stop  screen shotting halfway through the conversation, so later you have no idea what you were going to do with that, or what the conversation was even about?

Is it an ADHD move to write and schedule blog posts ahead of time, then be surprised when you see your blog automatically posted for you, then you read your article you completely forgot you wrote, and think, “Wow! That’s pretty good!” and still have no recollection of writing it?

Is it an ADHD move to lose literally everything?

I have no idea. This is just how my brain has always worked.

ADHD is more than the scatterbrained, distractibility moves one would typically associate with ADHD.

Is it an ADHD move to be so sensitive you can feel people walking, buildings moving, and air shifting? Is it an ADHD move to be able to smell things no one else seems to be able to? Is it an ADHD move to be aware of how your fingers feel different long after you’ve clipped your nails, or what your clothing feels like against your skin many hours after you’ve gotten dressed? Is it an ADHD move to be able to attend to several different conversations at once, even though you don’t want to, even though it’s extremely taxing for you? Is it an ADHD move to read every single sign you encounter, even when you try to block it out? Is it an ADHD move to get a migraine from going to IKEA?

Not always, but hypersensitivity is often a co-existing condition of ADHD.

Did you know there’s also often an emotional component with ADHD?

Is it an ADHD move to feel emotions so intensely people are often caught off guard?  Is it an ADHD move to be completely over the moon or entirely devastated? Is it an ADHD move to end up crying and screaming on the floor again, feeling powerless to stop the feeling? Is it an ADHD move for people to think you’re drunk when actually you’re just doing you?

For me, yes. ADHD doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone will experience extreme emotions, but it’s been true for me.

Is it an ADHD move to set a kajillion alarms for something because you don’t want to be late again, and you still are? Is it an ADHD move to leave really early for an event and find you’re just on time? Is it an ADHD move to just throw in a load of laundry and clean the floor and put away the shoes and whatever else as you’re walking out the door? Is it an ADHD move to have to go back into the house for multiple forgotten items many times?

It definitely could be. Time presents itself differently for me than it does for a lot of people. Time management has usually been wait, wait, wait, ok NOW DO ALL THE THINGS!

Is it an ADHD move to miss a lot of social cues? Relationships are harder for people with ADHD. Is it an ADHD move to be able to listen or work better while you distract yourself with something else?

Is it an ADHD move for your train of thought to more closely resemble an Asian overpass?

Crazy Asian overpass intersection ADHD train of though
Photo credit http://news.southcn.com/

I know I have ADHD. This is my life. This is how I operate. Other people with ADHD might have different experiences or symptoms; this is how it is for me.

I hope you now understand a little more about what it’s like having ADHD.

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I have ADHD.

I have ADHD

It’s been almost a year since my ADHD diagnosis.

I don’t pretend to be an expert on ADHD. I try to read a couple of articles a day on the topic to learn more about myself, the functionality of my brain, and a couple of my children. In fact, I was reading an article the other day that I didn’t relate to at all. As I was sharing this with my therapist, I chuckled, “Maybe I don’t actually have ADHD.”

Looking at me warmly and seriously, she dimpled and rebutted, “No. You definitely do.”

It’s been an interesting journey, being diagnosed in my 40s. I used to be one of those people who erroneously believed ADHD was one of those catch all diagnoses used to medicate little boys who shouldn’t be sitting still all day long in a classroom anyway. I still do think that it’s overdiagnosed and overmedicated, but studies back up my belief that ADHD veritably is a real thing. I’m learning to accept that my brain really does work differently than the other 96% of the population.

Unquestionably, being diagnosed with ADHD has given me a lot of freedom, and the ability to give myself more grace. I used to wonder why I couldn’t seem to get my act together or manage life in a way that other people seemed to be able to, or why this way of working appeared impossible for me, when it came so easily to others. I used to berate myself for these perceived lacks. Now I can say to myself, “My brain doesn’t work that way, but I can think of ways to succeed in the ways my brain does work.”

It helps me understand why I approach life the way I do.

Knowing I have ADHD lets me accept how I am, to know that I might do it differently, and to feel positive that my way works too.

It’s harder, because we don’t live in a world that is designed for my way of thinking, but I now can realize that, and accommodate myself.

I can look at all the gifts that come with having ADHD, and be thankful that I know now why I function the way I do.

This is part of a series Jessica is writing for October, ADHD Awareness Month. What questions would you like to have her answer?

photo by Giraffe Photography

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A Keto Journey

Six pregnancies. Nursing for at least a dozen years. Middle age. Life.

It can all play havoc on your body and your health.

I’ve experimented with several different eating styles and exercise programs over the years. From Weight Watchers to Yoli to juicing to the Whole 30, I’ve done them all. I’ve gotten back into pre-pregnancy pants sizes every time. Then last year, my beloved mother-in-law suddenly died. Between that shock and loss and grief, combined with cleaning out and selling her house, depression, a rocky relationship, and homeschooling my sixlets and just life in general, I put on more stress weight than I was comfortable with.

Instagram led me to the Keto lifestyle and I read the book, aptly names Keto. Unless you’re super interested in the science, don’t bother. I was motivated to just get started however, and I did.

The first month I was super dedicated to 20 carbs a day. I was definitely in ketosis, not hungry, feeling good. Then “vacation” (quotes intentional) happened and some home disasters and it’s been hard to be strict again. I happened to be wearing the same outfit yesterday as the day I took my starting pictures, and I was curious if there’s been any change.

I’m pleased that there has been and am motivated to buckle down again.

Keto has been easier to stick to than other plans because it’s not a lot of work. I’m not hungry or constantly thinking about food. Technically, I can eat anything I want as long as I keep it under 20 carbs a day and try to have high fat. I find I HAVE to drink a good amount of water to feel good, which is good for me. I stick to real food and Stevia. I don’t bake much now that I’m Keto, but I do feast my eyes on instagram accounts who do! 😁

I downloaded an app called Carb Manager that really helps me, because of COURSE I think I’m eating fewer carbs than I really am. If I enter my food right after I eat it, I can really tell where I am and what I should eat next. I stay on plan much better when I do that.

It’s not complicated. Juicing took hours and was really expensive. Yoli was confusing (protein day? not protein day? how much on each day?! I don’t even know!) and was really expensive. The weight watching was ridiculous with their promotion of low fat everything and points and who has time to go to meetings anyway? (Disclaimer: that was 9 years ago; they’ve probably updated to more real food.) The Whole 30 was too stringent and rule oriented for my brain and personality.

Lots of people are doing Keto these days and it’s easy to find information and recipes on Pinterest or wherever. A couple of my favorite resources are Bacon and Butter and the cookbooks by Maria Emmerich.

I don’t have a specific goal, other than to feel good and confident, and be able to zip my regular pants.

Have you tried Keto? What do you think?

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The Overwhelm Of Mothering

Sunday.

I’m 💯% overwhelmed most of the time.

Waking up to a toddler loudly whinging because it’s not dark anymore and her hot cocoa is too hot and she wants to get dressed but not that one while simultaneously needing to pee and pour my first cuppa and take the dog out. Overwhelm.

Trying to read your Bible with people climbing in or near you and teasing the dog and each other and even knowing that God is close to those with young it feels like failing. Overwhelm

Going through a huge gift of clothes with the boys to decide what we will keep and what we will bless to others while the little girls are simultaneously touching everything and fighting about the fact F wants the same kind of cereal as E. Overwhelm.

Keeping this person on track of loading the dishwasher while simultaneously administering directions to five other people who keep popping into the frame like whack-a-mole. Overwhelm.

Giving Father’s Day presents while simultaneously trying to keep someone from opening the other one and noticing the spilled coffee and the random bits scattered around. Overwhelm.

Cleaning up breakfast while simultaneously assigning this person to make sure that person is clean and that person has shoes and answering questions. Overwhelm.

Thrift shopping for summer dresses for the teen while keeping the toddler from unloading shelves and making a towering stack of chairs to climb up and touch the huge inflatable hanging from the ceiling and repeatedly saying no to the millions and millions of requests from the kindergartener. Overwhelm.

Trying to make potato packets for the grill while trying to remember to find or buy more aluminum foil and delegating sunscreen and help tying shoes and thousands more “needs”. Overwhelm.

Attempting to explain your sense of scarcity and inadequacy to your partner and he responds with more and louder negativity basically berating the kids for “never doing anything!” which isn’t at all what you’re saying and now you feel like you need to rise to their defense and you want to point out all the responsibilities and things you keep track of that he doesn’t help with at all but you don’t and it’s just pointless. Overwhelm.

Sunset Mississippi River overwhelm motherhood moms mothering unseen invisible workload difficult mental health toddler with kittens

Wanting to have a Super Soaker fight with your kids and as you change into your swimsuit one kid is crying about something that is huge to him and two other kids follow you into your closet dripping wet and impatiently hurrying you along and the water fight isn’t fun at all because one kid keeps squirting people in the face and they cry and there are clothes and towels and toys all over the yard and it just is one more thing you’ll have to clean up or make them clean up. Overwhelm.

Feeling guilty because you had an overnight trip to Galena with your bestie and were gone all day three days ago and you had an overnight birthday party with your daughter and her three besties and your three besties and were gone all day yesterday, and even with these much needed respites, you still can’t manage this life you really want to love. Overwhelm.

Sunset Mississippi River overwhelm motherhood moms mothering unseen invisible workload difficult mental health

I don’t know how to make it easier-but there are a few things I try.

Bible.

Knowing God is for me and equipping me.

Exercise.

Positive affirmations.

Laughter every day.

Reading.

Outdoor time.

Lots of kisses and rough housing, especially when I don’t feel like it.

Vodka. (Sometimes.)

Hand-lettering.

Looking at breathtaking photos on Pinterest or Instagram.

Connecting with friends.

Hiding in my room.

Motivational YouTubers.

What helps you when you’re overwhelmed?

Knowing you’re not alone!

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A Daily Goal Chart

I’ve been trying to be more conscious about setting daily goals for myself, to be a better person, to be closer to the woman God creates me to be.

A dear friend sent me this BINGO chart she saw on Instagram and it completely appealed to me!

I thought for sure I would be able to knock it out of the park…

But I was wrong. It was super hard to do these simple encouragement tasks. It was meant to be uplifting and positive and instead I ended up feeling like I failed.

I took matters into my own hands.

And I did.

I achieved every one.

What goals did you achieve today?

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What I Learned on my First Writing Retreat

What I Learned on my First Writing Retreat

A few weeks ago, the Handsome Husband and I went on a no kids trip to Washington DC. Never having been there before, I thought I could tour the sites in the morning, and then have my afternoons free to write blog posts and read all the delicious books, while he was in meetings.

Oh what I fool I was!

Washington DC is an incredible city. I didn’t realize the depth and breadth of the museum situation, nor the magnitude of all the historical sites. I toured my little heart out until I literally crashed one afternoon into my bed with a blaring headache from all the stimulation and noise and people.

Clearly, I did not open my computer even once.

I was lamenting to one of my besties, and saying that maybe we could get an airbnb for a night or two. In our city, whole apartments are really cheap. She could work on her master’s class and I could write.

To my delight, she thought this was a magnificent plan and offered up her family’s cabin, on a bluff above the Mississippi about a ninety minute drive away.

We went out for a nice dinner Friday night, stopped at the store for mostly healthy grub to keep us fueled all weekend and arrived around nine pm. We watched a movie (well, to be honest I fell asleep halfway through) and woke around eight to a gorgeous snowstorm.

Completely, slowly, and calmly, for the first time in forever, I read my Bible, brainstormed, and posted on social media until about ten. I wrote pretty much all day until about seven pm. We had pizza, lemon crumble and Moscow mules for dinner and stayed up way too late.

Sunday morning, I woke up gloriously tardy, read my Bible, a book, and attended church on-line. I thought I could do a webinar on growing your blog’s reach, but my phone’s internet connection was too spotty.

I wrote eight blog articles as well as the amazingly productive brainstorming session, before we had to clean up and head for home around four pm.

Feeling accomplished, I can’t wait to schedule my next writing retreat!

I learned a lot about what I loved, who I am, and what I’ll do differently next time.

Even with no kids around, I’m highly distractable.

I get preoccupied by ducks and herons. I’m startled by the chiming clock and the thumping furnace. Even with no wi-fi at the cabin, I still wanted to check my social media accounts quite frequently. I was able to put it off until after I would finish an article, and use my social time as a break. Having to wait on a slower cell signal helped me not want to do it as readily as I do at home. I would definitely suggest finding someplace with little to no internet if you really want to get some writing done.

I like to exercise.

At home, I start my day with a jump/jog/walk on my rebounder nearly every day. It really helps wake my brain up. We were here during a blizzard, but next time, I’ll plan to go for a walk in the mornings.

I can get a lot done with a body double.

Having Karen working in the same room as me on her class work helped me stay on task immensely. In the ADHD world, they call that having a “body double”. Another person here with me who doesn’t even have to be encouraging me or saying anything to me assists me to keep my focus on my goal. She served as a physical anchor for me to keep coming back to the tasks I wanted to do. Karen, just by being present, also provided a kind of calm reflection of how I wanted to be, which helped me absorb the message of “I am working. I am focused. I can accomplish this.

I over pack.

On Saturday, I got up and wore what I’d slept in all day. I didn’t really need to bring separate outfits for each day. I brought my pillow, but I forgot to bring it into the house with me. I didn’t want to go out and get it in the blizzard and found I still got two great nights of sleep without it.

And I still don’t have what I need.

Luckily Karen was prepared with extra phone chargers and ear buds. My kiddo found the list of blog ideas that I had left at home and snapped a picture of it to send to me. I will try to make sure I have those with me next time.

If given free rein, I drink way too much coffee.

At home, I make my coffee with half teeccino so it has half the acid and half the caffeine in the mornings and switch to all decaf by noon. I like to have something warm to drink all day. Karen likes fully caffeinated coffee all day. I kept pace with my usual though, and then couldn’t fall asleep until past two a.m. Next time, I’ll make sure I stick with my regular regimen.

I buy too much food.

We had less than 48 hours in which we needed to feed ourselves at the cabin, but I bought enough for several days. I guess some part of me is afraid of starvation, or at the very least, not having just the perfect snack I am craving on hand. Still though, it was nice to have whatever I wanted to eat nearby, and to have a good selection of healthful foods along with the treats we brought. Since we stopped at Aldi, it was still really reasonable. I would probably buy too much food for future retreats too.

I can just write.

Usually, I do the entire process at once: write the article, revise and edit, find the photos, make a picture graphic, add links, and schedule or post it. Doing it this way seemed much more efficient. I liked doing a batch of articles all at once. Then from home, doing the other steps in another session will be a lot faster. I will definitely try to stick to this method.

My first writing retreat was definitely a hit. I would like to do this on a regular basis. Have you ever made a retreat for yourself to get some goals accomplished? What are your recommendations for success?

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Depressed mOM WITH DEPRESSION day in the life

A Day in the Life of a Mom with Depression

6:00 Eyes pop open and brain sizzles. Realize that the two-year-old is still asleep and you don’t have a headache, for the first time in two or three weeks. Try to go back to sleep but your brain is on now and you can’t. Try to get out of bed. Lay there. Your neck and shoulders hurt so much you can barely move your head.

7:00 Get up and find coffee. You are so achey you hobble down the stairs like an 85 year old. You know you’re not sick and that it isn’t from too much exercise. The boys are ready to get on the bus and just want their snuggles and love. You just want to be left alone, but you do give the hugs and kisses. Realize that you have some time completely alone and you take advantage of it and read your Bible. Sneak in a little creative verse drawing.

8:00 Decide to work out for the first time in several days. Can’t get the TV to turn on. Try to watch videos to entertain you on your phone. But it’s just not working and you keep getting distracted and get off the trampoline several times to clean this or pick that up and put that away. Grab another cup of coffee. The little girls are up now. Kevin comes in the house briefly and fixes the TV by unplugging it and plugging it back in. Your foggy brain couldn’t come up with that solution. You hug and kiss him in thanks but he’s in a rush and you feel brushed off.

9:00 You feel like you’re moving through a field of molasses in a swamp. Sometimes it feels like you are a swamp walker all the time.  Everything takes such a colossal effort.  The big girls are up and the boys are back home. You homeschool, and you keep thinking that you’ll do school  with the kids but you also want to see if you can get some more walking in and watch motivational videos which improve your mood.  You can’t get them motivated to do their work when you can’t get motivated yourself.  They get their own breakfasts and watch YouTube while you keep walking on the rebounder. Put on some educational videos at least.

10:00 Check your planner and remember that your daughter’s orchestra concert is tonight. Cry, because doing something in the evening seems like it is way too overwhelming. The husband is telling you someone is going to come over and consult about the floor you’re hoping to put in, and you know the piano teacher will be here soon so you get dressed and put on some make up. You play with your two-year-old and watch her laugh, but feel apathetic. You wish you could be so carefree.

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11:00 The kids’ piano teacher arrives and you walk the dog down to the barn to find your son. It’s a beautiful sunny day and you want to stay outside but the wind is too windy and the wind chimes are to chime-y and the sun is too shiny. You go back inside.  Time passes and you don’t even know what you did.

12:00 Now it is lunchtime and you realize you had meant to go down and get hamburger out of the freezer to thaw several times and never actually made it happen. Let the kids make their own sandwiches. Do some reading and Marco Polo with some friends. Want to support them and what they’re going through. It’s very hard because you don’t have any emotional strength for yourself.

1:00 It is time to take oldest to orchestra. You cry because Finnella cries and tries getting in the car. You go and get your nails done so they look pretty because feeling pretty makes you feel better. And they are pretty,  but it doesn’t really help. You’re reading a book about a recovering drug addict who is in jail and it’s hard even feel any empathy with her and you know your problems aren’t even that big but they seem insurmountable.

2:00 You get home and take a picture of your crabapple trees because three of the four of them aren’t blooming and it really bugs you, as in, you think about the not blooming trees on a regular basis. Bugs you like,  it comes up at random times in your mind, “Why aren’t they blooming?! Why do all the other trees look so good!?”  And you want to post to gardening experts about what you should do.

You try to think of solutions for the things that really bother you because you know it’s not normal thinking. But you can’t help it, and actually finding a gardening forum is overwhelming and several days later it’s still not done.day in the life with depression depressed mental health mom mother mental illnessYou see your puppy lying still in the yard. She doesn’t get up when the car drives into the lane. Suddenly you worry that she’s dead, she’s really dead. What would you do if she was dead?? You feel your heart racing and you start sweating, and you’re breathing rapidly and you can’t think of anything else but if she’s dead and so you start to walk over to her and she lifts her head  and runs excitedly over to you. You thank God she’s not dead and you know that it’s crazy to even have thought that she’s dead, and that logically it’s nearly an impossibility but you can’t help it. You snuggle her for a while.

3:00 The kids are all playing out back and you watch them through the deck doors for a while and marvel at their wonderful creativity even know they’re doing some things they’re really not supposed to be doing, like playing with the fire escape ladder. You don’t have the energy to make them take the ladder back upstairs and have a sneaking suspicion that it will be in that tree all summer, but you can’t even care. You are just glad they are leaving you alone.

You have gotten the new patches for the ceiling in the mail so you apply one.

You go out to the yard to try to get some vitamin D.

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When the kids discover that you’re home, you really can’t handle them climbing around on you so you go sit in the living room and they wander off to play outside some more. When the two-year-old comes to ask you to read to her you do, but you are so exhausted that you just fall asleep. You literally just fall asleep on the couch without meaning to.

5:00 The next thing you know your 13-year-old is telling you that it is time to leave for her orchestra concert and asking if you can please do her hair. You do a  pull through braid, very loose  and beautiful. But she doesn’t think it’s fancy enough and doesn’t think that there is enough time to fix it again and she make up. You feel defeated. No one can understand how hard it was to just make yourself braid that incredible child’s hair.

You actually did remember to have someone get the meat out of the freezer. But now there  is no time to make dinner. The kids have to fend for themselves again. Brielle has offered to stay home with Finnella (2) and Elivette (5) so you let her despite your misgivings because it would be a lot easier to not have to deal with the little girls during the concert.

You notice that the spackle on the ceiling is dry so you start to do that, even though it’s nearly time to leave.  You just think you would have enough time while Aviana finishes her make up. She’s annoyed by this idea, because it’s really a foolish move to try and spread spackle smoothly on the ceiling when you have a deadline of walking out the door in a couple of minutes. Your brain just doesn’t do logical sometimes a lot of the time.

6:00 You’ve arrived on time at the concert and save seats for Aviana’s (and your) friends , and the husband and Cadrian (9) who are coming. Denton (7) plays a game on the Kindle and you try to read your book on your Kindle app on the phone. It’s super hard to concentrate because you worry you will miss the people you’re saving seats for. Your legs are aching like crazy and your whole body feels out of control and heavy and fuzzy. You can’t just sit still and enjoy reading.

7:00 The concert is four different orchestras and your daughter gets two recognition certificates. You’re really proud of her, and want to enjoy the remainder of concert, but you also really want to leave. It’s hard to keep in your seat, but it helps to have the boys asking questions and feeling restless too, because helping them behave appropriately and encouraging them, helps you.

9:00 You discover that Kevin has stopped at McDonald’s because he didn’t get supper. You didn’t get supper either. You could have stopped for food too, but chose to get home instead. After getting the boys in bed and talking with Brielle and Aviana, you have some time to talk with Kevin, for the first time in several weeks.

In spite of feeling grumpy towards him, you’re working at flirting with your husband and talking with him about vacation plans and ideas. And everything seems to be going really well when he says some snide things to you. Whether unintentional, or intentional,  you say “You don’t need to make fun of me like that,” when he tries to drive a point home several ways. Then he gets offended and suddenly you’re in a fight, and you’re comparing him to Donald Trump, and he stamps out of the room. Now you’re alone again.

10:00 You apologize for the Donald Trump comment and then sit on the couch scrolling and watching Intervention. You like Intervention because they’re worse off than you are, you know you don’t want to self medicate like they do, and  you do want to learn how to handle your emotions in a healthy way, and learn better coping skills,  and almost all of the episodes are a story of redemption.

1:00 a.m. You take your vitamins and medicine,  go to bed and watch it some more until your eyes are heavy enough and your brain is numb enough to finally sleep. You average between 5 and 6 hours of sleep when the depression is bad. And it’s been bad lately.

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