I’m not cut out for this

And on top of everything else, a migraine. Incapacitated another night. Another night when Kevin picks up my slack. Another night when the children watch an hour of Sesame Street instead of doing something more constructive and less passive. Another night when I’m not the mama God created me to be. Another night when I just have to lie there in pain and let it be.

And then this morning, the pain is better; not gone, but better.

 But the fighting.

The bickering! The “I want it my way and I absolutely will not compromise or capitulate or comply with anyone’s wishes but my own.” And it’s about SUCH ridiculous stuff–the girls unloading the dishwasher. One on the step ladder putting them away, one handing them to her from the dishwasher. The one on the floor wants the other to get down and let her put something in the drawer, only to then make her climb back up the ladder.

One child coloring, not letting the other child use the book she’s not even using. Screaming ensues.

Mama asks one child to get the wipes. Another child bursts into loud bitter wails; “I WANT TO GET THEM!”

Mama at her limit.

I’ve talked and talked and talked about selfishness. I’ve taught verses about putting others before yourself; as far as it is up to you, get along with others; love does not demand its own way. I’ve been gentle. I’ve been kind. I’ve prayed.

I lost my temper. I yelled.  I lashed out. I may have even screamed a little. I certainly was not a good example.

But finally, contrition. Finally, reaching her heart.  Finally, change; changed attitudes.

 I know this is NOT what my home to be. I want peace. I want to gently reprimand and obedience to immediately follow. I want their upbringing to be gentle. I want my voice to be soft. I want it to be different.

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We’re still alive…

It has been a busy month. I wish I could blog  every day because so much happens that I want to share with others or even just keep for myself for the future. I love looking back at my old posts and rediscovering those moments. I love reminiscing happenings I had long forgotten. I want to blog for myself and for my babies and for my family and friends who don’t see us on a regular basis, but sometimes, it just gets to be “one more thing” and gets to be too much.

Christmas was wonderful. We had a crazy week after Christmas with family here from out of town and many for dinner every night. I loved it but it was tiring at the same time.

The week after New Year’s was tiring for other reasons. My best friend’s mom died suddenly and my heart just hurt for her and her family. I didn’t do much other than love them the best I could and be there and listen but it was a wearying week just the same. I can’t imagine how exhausted she was.

I just haven’t been feeling the best or having the energy and motivation to do much more than the bare necessities (assuming food is a necessity, and a path through the house). Sometimes it takes all my energy just to answer the phone.  I’m so thankful that even though I haven’t been running my home the ways I would ideally want to, I have been able to be so patient and loving to my chiddlers, and this last month has been probably my most mellow yet (i.e. no loss of temper).

We’re redoing the guest room and making some big changes in its hospitality.

The girls and I are taking the train this week to see my sister and family in Colorado. I am so excited to be able to surprise them. It’s their Super Summer Challenge Surprise. We’ll be out there for five days. It will be a wonderful trip, if I can find the wherewithal to get ready for it. 🙂

We had five inches of snow yesterday so now I have to help the chiddlers get ready to go o!ut in it to play

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So that little girl yesterday, stomping and crying and kicking the door and screaming at the top of her lungs? In church? Not even our church?

That was mine.
So that little boy this morning, who was wandering around with his goods swinging free, because he threw his pants and undies down from the balcony in church? Our church? Where I have to show my face again?
That was mine.
I just thought you should know.
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Things I love

*** my family *** babies: my babies, other people’s babies, babies in general *** my church *** sassy shoes *** heat in the bathroom *** potty training nearly being mastered *** repurposing *** Eloise Wilkin (illustrator) *** bobby pins *** cinnamon rolls *** blue eyes *** fleece *** creating *** photographs *** my duvet cover *** purple *** creativity ***

That’s a dungeon made of yarn.

*** cuticle oil *** long underwear *** knitting *** books about knitting *** accomplishing dreams *** waking up early and not being cranky *** learning *** my family picture calendar poster *** laughing *** reading *** working at fitness ***
being covered in children

(but not necessarily having three in the shower with me)

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How about that?

I discovered a notebook of lists I had written when Brielle was an infant. Lists like “Notes from Nourishing Traditions“, “Christmas Books”, “Counting My Blessings”, “Games to Get”, “Websites to Look Up”, and “One Hundred Dreams”.

On the “One Hundred Dreams” list (which really only had 61 items, most of them house projects), among many other things I am still as a matter of fact working towards, was “have some boys“.
And look, we did!

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Do you hear that?

That, my friend, is the sound of silence.
It’s rare around here, but it does happen.
Cadrian & Denton are both sleeping, the girls are at Good News Club, the steer is successfully corralled back into the cattle yard (I am quite proud that the neighbor & I did it as Kevin is an hour away), and I’m about to start a new book.
All is well at the Farm Fresh Family’s.
(It’s a good thing you didn’t ask me at 8:20 this morning. It would have been a completely different story.)

Pictures that have nothing to do with anything.

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The boys are asleep.

The girls are at a fondue party at the neighbors’.
I made some cookies that did not turn out as well as I would have hoped, but I bet the chiddlers will still like to frost them.
There is a LOT of snow out there.
I went to the gym an hour late for the class I thought I was going to take. So I tried two others that I was woefully unprepared for, but I still had fun.
Now I’m going to try to get a book finished.
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I curled the girls’ hair today. And Cadrian’s too, as he never wants to be left out.

Peppermint mocha creamer. Coffee. Mmmmm…

Got to church early. Love that!

Our sermon this morning was just for me. God took an ordinary woman and because of her response to God, she holds an extraordinary place in history.

Scrambled eggs and blotch for lunch. Blotch is a Pennsylvania Dutch recipe from my great gram for a coffee cake.

Painted my nails all sparkly.

Hit the gym.

And the grocery. Stocked up on essentials like grapes and potatoes. Got to thinking about when these kids are teenagers… we’ll have to garden for sure then!

We started a new homegroup, and today was the Christmas party complete with white elephant gifts and a chocolate fountain and sugar cookie cutouts. I got a head massager and Kevin got a game called Partini– not very white elephant in my opinion, because we loved them.

Upon arriving home, we were greeted by a thoroughly exuberant six year old who had a permanent tooth coming in. Too bad she has yet to lose the baby one!

Now I think it’s time for a head massage.

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So what have I been doing lately?

Reading some books.
Sewing some pants.
Compulsively checking facebook to see who comments on my stuff.
Taking some pictures.
Embroidering some doll faces.
Buying a My Child doll for Brielle–only the only one I could afford is naked, so I have to learn how to make doll clothes.
Dedicating the baby to God.
Searching for matching Christmas Day outfits for the girls.
Searching for matching Christmas Day outfits for the boys. (no luck)
Having some fun!
Writing and copying the Christmas letter.
Cutting some hair.
Learning how to make a Waldorf doll.
Bossing the kids around.
Making some truffles.
Eating a lot of them.
Joining a gym.
Actually going.
Keeping people out of trouble.
Most of the time.
Putting up some Christmas trees.
And listening to Christmas music, among other things.
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**What would be good punishment for a tree? Like one that totally punched out my tail light and smooshed up my bumper?

**Gonna sew a new diaper bag because I can’t even zip the one I have. I need to figure out what pockets I need to sew on the lining and divider. Any thoughts?
Current Contents:
several size 1 diapers
change of clothes for Denton
several size 4 diapers
nursing cover
baby blanket
assorted pens
changing pad
warm footie socks in case I go to someone’s house w/ cold floors
Seriously, that’s all I can think of that’s in that thing–why won’t the bag zip? Here’s the bag I plan to attempt. It’s from Anna Maria Horner’s book Handmade Beginnings.
**I’m considering making my first quilt, also from this fabulous book.
**Denton’s basically 11 pounds. 1 month old. Awesome. He smiled at me on his one month birthday. I was thrilled.
**Especially because I had mastitis, and was super duper sick and pretty much was sure I was going to die. Prayer and antibiotics have done the trick to bring me back from the brink.
**I have since learned that in some cases, royal jelly can be used in lieu of antibiotics. Biotic means “life”–anti “life” is just not that encouraging. I hate that I am on antibiotics.
**Is it a coincidence that mastitis has the word “tit” in it?
**Yesterday Grandma had the girls, so the boys and I went to church and then made a relatively quick stop at Target. When Aviana was two and Brielle was my baby, I thought, “Wow! Super store with two kids; what a chore, what a challenge, what an arduous undertaking!”. Now, with a two year old and my baby being half of what I would normally take to the store, I think, “WOW! Super store with two kids; what leisure, what liberty, what a profligate privilege!”

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